Aries: Jennifer // Super aggressive soccer-mom who always wears neon-colored tracksuites // Tries super hard to be the mom everybody likes // “That bitch Carol thinks her snicker-doodles are the best? Well she’s got another thing coming
Taurus: Barbara // All her instagram posts involve her watching Real Housewives with a glass of wine // Does not know how to properly use emojis and abbrevations when they text // “I’m not saying I’m always right, but you sure as hell aren’t either, Courtney"
Gemini: Bridgette // Won prom-queen when she was in highschool and won’t let anyone forget it // Really surprised and dismayed her sugar daddy 90-y/o husband hasn’t died yet // “I could buy all the counterfeit bags on the streets of New York and they still wouldn’t be as fake as you are, Jennifer”
Cancer: Beatrice // Cries after every time she watches Dirty Dancing // Attempts offering her new neighbors shitty homemade cookies // “Oh son, don’t hang out with Barbara’s kids you’ll end up a druggy”
Leo: Patricia // Sour as hell since 6th grade when she got 2nd place to Bridgette in a beauty pageant // Will walk into a Spanish restaurant and say “Bonjour, Bitches” // “Listen up honey, you better step up your dick game or I’m cheating on you with Veronica’s husband, Chad”
Virgo: Alice // Hosts ‘Vegan Wednesdays’ in her house // Has a ‘world’s best mom’ bumper sticker on her mini-van // “Oh hey Kids! You know I’m the HIP mom who whips fleeks with the nae naes :)”
Libra: Stephanie // Calls for her child from her room to fetch her something that’s literally right next to her // Hot Single mom who has like 12 sugar daddies on speed dial // “It’s Stephanie, pronounced as in Gwen Stefani”
Scorpio: Veronica // Forces their child to start playing the piano or violin by 3 // Has an emotional breakdown, absolutely confused as to why their child doesn’t tell them anything (when every time they do, she lectures them) // “I just don’t understand where i went wrong, how could his GPA sink from a 4.6 to a 4.57?”
Sagittarius: Caitlyn // Constantly reminds people that it’s “Caitlyn with a C” // Constantly wears Prada and Dolce & Gabbana to remind everyone she has more money than them // “I don’t give a fuck about what Alice thinks, she probably hasn’t had sex in such a long time cobwebs have formed in her vagina”
Capricorn: Courtney // The one who, instead of naming her child “Michaela”, names her “Michkaeighlaugh” instead // Adamantly believes that weed is still a drug // “I don’t care what Caitlyn is saying! More than a ½ teaspoon of salt and this chicken will just be too spicy”
Aquarius: Vicky // For some odd reason stopped aging after 25 // Super into witchcraft and tarot reading and astrology, uses it as a way to justify everything // “Wow my child’s being such an ass because apparently I’m ‘relating everything to astrology’. Typical Capricorn Moon in 27 degrees to be a skeptic”
Pisces: Tiffany // Impulse buyer and big spender, will “accidentally” spend 500$ in a single sitting // has a “Treat Yo-Self” day for doing the absolute bare minimum // “I only have money for either buying food for my kids or this really cute jacket … it’s ok they can starve for the week”
